Looking back over my life now, I am really aware of how much God was beside me.
I was born with a hole in the heart. I couldn’t take 2 steps without passing out, and lived my life till I was 7 with an oxygen tank at my side. I never knew in those early days what it was like to play with other children, for I had to always be be guarded against infections.
When I was 7 I had my first heart operation, this operation not only enabled me to walk but to attend school. I was still not allowed to run or do the usual activities of a normal child, but at least I could walk small distances instead of having to be carried every where. It was prior to this age that my parents became involved with the Jehovah Witnesses. As reading was a great source of delight to me, the Bible became a big part of my reading material.
I still remember having long talks to God when I went to bed at night. He was my friend and my confidante, way back then.
When I was 9 I witnessed the horrific accident of my mother, she died hours later from her injuries. I thank God now for taking her, as her injuries were so severe that if she had lived she would have been a vegetable. That is not how I would have ever wanted to remember a mother who was such a dynamite person, so full of life and love.
My faith was so strong back then; that the evening of my Mothers death, my Dad came and told me she had died. My words to him, “We will see Mum in heaven Dad” I was not allowed to attend the funeral of my mother for reasons I can only guess at, maybe they thought my health was not strong enough to deal with the traumatic experience.
My father so crippled with grief at the loss of my mother he withdrew from me. Immediately after he told me my mother had died he went away for some 3 months and I was left with an older family of Jehovah Witnesses. Unfortunately their son who was in his mid 20’s took it upon himself to try and teach me about sexual matters. I now realize God must have been they’re protecting me from any harm, or any advances from the young man didn’t get very far.
My father was a stranger on his return. Never could I talk about my mother without my father breaking down uncontrollably. I learned very quickly to hide the pain I was feeling from my mother’s death. It was very difficult, but I remember going to bed and having long talks to God about it all, but still I did not openly grieve my mothers’ death. Through this time my father still continued to meet with the Jehovah Witnesses.
My step Mum came into our life within a year of my mother’s death. All photos of my Mum were removed from the walls then. It was like my Mum had ceased to ever exist.
The matter of the sexual advances still played on my mind and one day I went and told my stepmother what had happened concerning the sexual advances. She immediately told my father, who contacted the Jehovah Witness family and a meeting was held. in their home.
What happened at that meeting would scare any child. I was placed on a chair way over in a corner of the room, an outcast, away from the adults who were there and also the young man concerned. I was questioned for quite a period of time. After the questions I was basically told I was either making it up, or had been dreaming. My father even had doubts.
It was then that I started to break away from God, and even to hate him for what had happened to my life. The loss of my Mother, the loss of my Father, the betrayal of adult friends, and then to be doubted about a serious matter all seemed to much to bear.
When I was 12, I had my second heart operation. This was a major success. Prior to the operation the specialist consulted my father about a blood transfusion. My father told the specialist to give me blood if I needed it. On hearing this the Jehovah Witnesses refused to have anything to do with us, and for me, a child of 12, I lost all faith in Jehovah.
It was after this that my Father decided we should all move to another part of the state, and before we left to go to our new home, I was told by my father that I was never to mention my real Mum. That everyone was to think my step-mum was my one and only Mum. I was devastated, but still I held my grief I left home at 16, I didn’t get on with my step Mum, and my father had turned to gambling and drinking.
Years passed, I married, and I had 2 beautiful sons, even though the doctors were aghast that I even became pregnant because of my medical background When my boys were still pre-school years I made a friend in a lovely older lady next door to where we lived. She became a mother and a grandmother.to me and my boys. 2 years later she died peacefully in her sleep. I wept uncontrollably. My tears finally came for the mother I had lost so many years before and for this elderly lady who had given me so much.
Unfortunately my marriage was not the best, alcohol and violence made me seek counseling. Finally after hanging in a bad marriage I left with my 2 sons.
I met and married a loving man 2 years later and became a Mum to his young son, who was then 2 years old. Hubby and I have been through a lot together, and although God wasn’t really dwelt on, we both saw a need to bring prayer to the evening meal with the children. Last year when Hubby became ill, and on one night in particular when I had followed the ambulance with him in it to hospital was the turning point. After leaving Hubby in hospital I came home around 11.00 at night to an empty home. I couldn’t ring our sons, all grown now, because it was so late. I wept that night, I was so frightened. It was then I realized we needed something in our lives. The next morning I went to the Salvation Army, walked in and just said we need some help. Stephen and Elizabeth were there then and they soon came out to see us. They prayed with us.
It was at this time that a friend from Hubby’s work played a big part in our life. He would often pop in to see how Hubby was doing. During one of his visits he happened to mention that he had been to church. This set my mind in motion and when one day Dave happened to walk in I started asking him questions. Dave supplied bibles and books and was there to help. It became a standing joke when he walked in, that I would raise my hand, look at him with a silly grin and say “I have a question”, and away we would go with Dave explaining from scripture the answer to my query. This was the start of finding God again. God had always been there, but I was the one who had walked away and he had followed from a distance, ready to catch me if needed, ready to be there at my slightest request. God couldn’t take away my loss of my mother and my father, but he gave me a strong strength to carry on. From a distance God, let me grow. God gave the heart specialist the capabilities and knowledge to repair my heart which all wed me to have a very normal life. God gave me the love of an elderly lady, so I could at last unburden my grief over my mother.
God took me out of a very bad marriage and helped me to meet Hubby. And in Hubby he gave me the love of a man, who helped me to share things from my past. God allowed me to have 3 sons, 2 of my own, which medically I should never have had. and the love of a child not of my own. Yes God blessed me and waited patiently for my return.,
And now God is helping me in many ways, cleansing me of sins, giving me wisdom and knowledge, teaching me love and forgiveness God is also bringing out the child in me, as I praise and worship him. God is teaching me to be me in ways I never thought possible.
I am sorry for my years that my back was turned on my Heavenly Father, but I am ever so thankful he didn’t turn his back on me.